Sometimes all you need is a friend.
If your friend is the victim of power-based personal violence, you most likely want to offer support and help them as much as you can. This is not always possible, but under the right circumstances a friend can help cope, find help, or even heal. It is important to remember that everyone deals with circumstances, especially traumatic ones, differently. They may want to vent to you or even completely shut you out, but it is important to understand that there are ways to support your friend in any scenario. It is hard to know what to say or do when a friend has experienced a traumatic event, so here are some healthy ways to support your friend.
- It is important to believe your friend because it does take a lot of courage to speak up and share their experience.
- Make sure to actively listen and stay engaged in the conversation. Try to withhold judgement and don’t ask too many questions. Your job is to listen and offer support.
- Assure your friend that it is not their fault. As a friend, you can assure them that no invites a violation.
- Make sure to respect their privacy and do not share their experience unless they give you permission.
- Let your friend make their own decisions and take the lead. You can suggest a variety of resources available to them, but ultimately let them decide the route they want to take.
- If your friend is considering reporting, advise them to not shower or wash their clothes because evidence is very time sensitive.
Some helpful things to say are:
- How can I help you?
- Would you like to talk about?
- This must be very painful and difficult for you.
- Don’t hesitate to reach out to campus resources with any questions or concerns.
- Complete the Kognito online training through the UF CWC to learn effective techniques to help and refer
- Make sure to get help for yourself too because the incident has also stirred up feelings in you as well.
Receiving the News
As a parent or guardian, there are many different emotions to learning that your child was the victim of power-based personal violence. There are many feelings that can come along with hearing this news, and it can be easy to let these emotions take control of your actions. It is important to remember to believe, listen, and respect your child and their story.
- If the survivor is under the age of 18, parents are able to make decisions on their child’s behalf, including evidence collections, participation in criminal, legal and university avenues, and the initiation of counseling services.
- If the survivor is over the age of 18, the survivor is no longer a minor and has the legal right to make decisions on their own, even if their wishes do not align with those of their parents.
- An important thing is to believe the survivor and assure them that it was not their fault no matter the circumstances. Try to not place blame on the survivor.
- Try to be patient and ask how you can be helpful to them. Refrain from trying to “fix” the situation and pushing them towards recovering immediately. It is important to respect their wishes.
- Be aware of their feelings and that their behavior can change at any time.
- Even if the survivor isn’t talking to you, it is okay. Your support is powerful enough and let’s them know that you are there when they are ready to talk about their experience.
- Remember that everyone deals with trauma differently. Stay supportive and understand that everyone heals differently.
- Be sure to take care of yourself and seek support if necessary.
Your Response Matters
Upon learning that your partner/spouse was the victim of power-based personal violence, it can be easy to start questioning yourself and your relationship, especially what it will be like in the future. You may be thinking of how others will judge you, who caused it, or what intimacy will be like in the future. It is important to understand that all feelings and thoughts are valid during a crisis.
Most of the time the most helpful thing you can do is be patient and offer support. There is not a specific timeline that victims take to recover, so these guidelines might help:
- Take time to educate yourself about sexual assault and the healing process.
- Acknowledge what happened and don’t try to ignore it.
- Consistently listen to your partner and withhold judgement.
- Check-in with your partner to see what they need and let them choose how to proceed after an assault. Make sure to acknowledge their feelings.
- Encourage your partner to use available resources.
- Make sure you receive support and recognize the feelings you are facing.
You Have An Obligation
As a UF faculty or staff member you are in a unique position to create and maintain a warm, encouraging environment for all types of students. It is vital to provide a supportive atmosphere for all students, and to remember that you are a mandated reporter of all potential forms of student abuse. In every opportunity, you should alert students to the support-based personnel accessible on campus, and assure them that help is available. In the case that a student does share something in private with you, be sure to validate them and let them know that you believe them and that they can be safe with you. Also be transparent about your limitations as a mandated reporter; use language such as “I respect your privacy, and it’s only right that you know that I am required to tell someone if you share that you’re being hurt by someone or planning on hurting yourself or others.” Understand that it is not your role to be counselor, however, realize that you can share the necessary resources and information that can save someone’s life.
